


Undo Everything I've Become

by JForward



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Bad Parenting, Forced Regeneration, Gen, Looms (Doctor Who), Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Needles, Regeneration, Torture, Trauma, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:34:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24602440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JForward/pseuds/JForward
Summary: A hand reached up, pressing against the glass, staring at the only two people she had known in her brief life of a few minutes."Do we need to give her a sedative?" the woman asked, the sound barely audible through the thick glass. Something whirred behind her."No. A waste. She'll be wiped again after this. She'll not remember the pain." Tecteun murmured. "Get on with it."The Fugitive Doctor - Ruth - is dragged back for another memory wipe. Only this time things are different.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	Undo Everything I've Become

**Author's Note:**

> Well I don't know where this came from but be prepared for a lot of fucking trauma and headcanons!

"Get your damn hands off me!" she was fighting for freedom, knowing what was coming. But it was no good - no matter how she twisted, there were grips on her arms, a half-dozen Time Lords keeping hold of her. She'd been alive for so very long now, thousands of years and she'd known time was running out for her. Ever since she'd met the blonde version of herself and caused Gat's death, every breath had been borrowed. 

Because blondie hadn't known her. And she most definitely hadn't known blondie, so - but then again. If she hadn't been known, maybe she could be the past, because it meant her memory had been wiped. More than once, most likely more than once, and whilst the Doctor clung to the idea that she knew everything about herself there was a truth - she couldn't have. She wasn't stupid. Far from it, in fact. This body was smart-mouthed, sharp, witty, but also very good at being calm and stoic. When she needed to be. She was plenty strong.

She remembered waking up last time. Tecteun - mother - was there, so proud, smiling gently, dark eyes filled with something almost like love. Strong, and proud, and she remembered, through the fog of the regeneration sickness, feeling a wave of joy. So rare was that smile gifted to her, nowadays. She remembered her first meeting, her interview to join the Division, wanting to do more. The training, and then - the agreement. She remembered going into the room where they would force her regeneration. She had been a young man, back then, so eager to do more, to be better for them. And that was why she was here, now, dragged before the very woman who had interviewed her. 

"Solpado." she spat, viciously, as she felt the arms tightening, forcing her spine straighter. They'd taken her wire-frame glasses, eyes narrowed as she glared at the very person who had hired her into the position. Her face had changed, too - she didn't know how or why. Honestly, didn't care. That sneer was oh so familiar.   
"Took you long enough to drag me back here. Guess you found out about Gat?" she growled.   
"You've done well for us, Theta." her tone was cold. Head tilted, like she was looking at an experiment, and the Doctor was suddenly reminded of her mother. Not the kind, proud smile, no - that need to know more that haunted early memories. The pain and fog of repeated regenerations.

She tugged again, and this time, they actually released her, stepping away. She rubbed at her wrists, considering the room she was in. The regeneration room. The same one she'd stepped into a few years ago now.   
"You got one mission. Not enough for you? Gotta drag me back here like a piece of meat? Seems an awful waste of energy, Solpado." she scoffed.  
"Oh, Doctor." and her head tilted the other way. "You killed Gat. That was new. All these - daring escapes of yours, you've never killed anyone we didn't ask you to kill. Awful shame you had to take Gat out, but, well, we rather didn't approve of her getting those thugs involved. Saved us some effort." they smirked. "She'd used up all her lives. Almost as wasteful as you."

"What are you talking about? I've never -"  
"Ah, yes. This part does get boring." she said, "I'd recommend you sit down, Doctor. You never do take my advice, really, but it gets so much easier when you do." she was fiddling with a device next to the chair. It was chunky, metal, topped with something that looked almost like a pair of headphones she'd seen in twenty-nineteen on Earth but - worse. Cold bars wrapped around her hearts, and for a breath, she wasn't sure why. Foggy, half-felt things - from the forced regeneration? No. It felt - it felt older. Blondie. This couldn't be, and yet -

"What are you doing?" she whispered. "You're going to make me regenerate? I'll just run away again, you know that. Trust me, it's easier for you if -"  
"No. We have to take it all." she said, shaking her head and looking back at the Doctor. The door behind them opened, and she whirled, seeing - Tecteun. They smiled, but it was the cold smile the Doctor was used to.   
"Mother?" she whispered. He moved in, taking her hand, and despite herself, the Doctor followed as she was pulled to the chair, sinking into it. The two guards were standing by the door, but their eyes were shut, tense - as if in... anticipation.

"I've done this before."  
"Oh, Theta." Tecteun smiled wider now. "I do so hate this part. But don't worry. You did well. You did so well for us."  
"I did one mission." her throat felt dry. Solpano was pinning her arms down, now, and the cold sensation was flooding her veins. "No -" she made to stand, but Tecteun had strapped her other one down, and was running her fingertips over the back of it. Like a gentle comfort, or what it could have been, if the fear wasn't overwhelming her. "Mother -"  
"I'm so sorry." her voice was devoid of pity, care or kindness. "I'm not going to be your mother any more."

"My wife -"  
"None of it is real."  
"Patience is real! Let me go! I'm not going to regenerate, not again, Mother, please -" and she was fighting now, as Tecteun stepped away, all semblance of comfort gone. The headset was strapped into place, as Solpado gripped a switch.  
"It's all going to be easier now. No more division. No more anything, Theta." she whispered. "I'm not your mother now. Don't worry. We'll find a good family for you." she didn't smile. "You did well."

"How many times -"  
The switch was thrown. Agony, lightning crackles in her skin, her muscles, everything was overloading. Her mind was screaming. Her mouth was open, a desperate, pleading cry. Tears ran down her face as she looked to Tecteun, who held her gaze, devoid of love or care or a hint of gentleness. Her face was cold.   
"My life -" the Doctor felt the tears running, even as her mind began to turn to white dust. "No - no - don't take it from me - please -" but it was no good. Everything was fading. The pain was too much, as if her skin was being peeled from her bones, and then - the light was gone. The pain stopped.

She blinked, and opened her eyes. There were two people in the room with her. A man stood just to her right, undoing some straps on her arms. To her left there was a woman, with bold purple lines painted over her eyes.  
"Hello..?"  
There was no answer. But her arms were free. She peered at her hands and arms. Dark skin, emerging from deep blue sleeves. The two people were moving, and she stood up slowly.  
"Come." the man's tone was hard, and cold. Not knowing what to do, she followed him, legs working shakily. She was led down a corridor, peering with wonder. What were these things? Where was she? Who was she? Her mouth opened and then closed again, not sure what to say. Everything was new, and strange, but she scurried to keep pace with these adults.

"How did I get here?" she finally whispered, but they didn't answer. Instead, they were stepping into a room. The air smelt strange. Maybe this was how air was meant to smell, and the other place was different. She didn't know. Burbling noises... she kind of liked them. Soft bubbling. The room was filled with a low hum. She didn't like that. It was overloading her. And then she saw - rows of ... strange cylinders. Some of them were filled with goo. She could see strange pink things in those, moving over to peer into the glass, reaching out to touch it.

"Theta!" the man barked, and she startled, turning slowly. Was that her? They were looking at her, so she walked back over, a strange twisting feeling inside her. Had she done wrong? She swallowed hard, ducking her head with some strange instinct.   
"Get undressed." Confused, she just stared. Anger flourished.   
"Your clothes." he pointed at her chest. "Remove them."  
She blinked, looking down at her clothes. She didn't know how ... her hands reached to pull at them. There was a sharp sigh.

"Help her." the order was barked, and there were more people, where had they come from? Their hands were quick and rough, and soon the fabric was gone and she shivered. It was warm in here, but her skin chilled quickly, goosebumps rising on it. She stared at her own body, fascinated.   
"You will step in there." he pointed at a chamber. It was different to the others. Bigger. It didn't look as smooth; there were more strange mechanisms attached to the side of it, and it stood in a different part of the room. She peered at the thick tubes moving into it, the floor cold. That was new, cold on her bare feet. The doors shut with a thud, and everything became muffled.

A hand reached up, pressing against the glass, staring at the only two people she had known in her brief life of a few minutes.   
"Do we need to give her a sedative?" the woman asked, the sound barely audible through the thick glass. Something whirred behind her.  
"No. A waste. She'll be wiped again after this. She'll not remember the pain." Tecteun murmured. "Get on with it."

She kept staring at them. The man and the woman, at the controls. There were two more people, now, and she realised - they were the same who had undressed her. Was that important? Why was she here? The whirring got louder and louder behind her, jumping as a cold goo began to coat her feet. There was a rising fear as it climbed up her legs, and she banged on the glass, feeling a kind of panic. Why weren't they letting her out?  
"I don't want this. I don't want this!" she called out, touching her face. Why was it wet? She turned in the goo, feeling it sticking, around her legs now. The back of the tank was solid. It was coming further now, higher and higher, and it was so cold -

"Please -" she was facing the front again, gasping as it rose to her shoulders, and then she was breathing it in but - she could breathe. It rose and rose until she was completely covered. A realisation crashed into her. "Mum -"  
They were talking. She couldn't hear them. Everything was covered by the goo that enclosed her. The whirring got louder. She felt the pressure before she saw them, movement getting harder and harder as glimmering metal arms were sliding through it like butter. One of them held something like a three-pronged hand, and the other was a slender needle. She would have gasped, but her arms weren't moving, nothing was moving as they came closer.

The screaming was clear, echoing through the chamber. The buzzing got louder, Tecteun and Solpado staring, unblinking. The smell of smoke filled the space, but Solpado's hands moved quicker. She'd been practising for this since they'd announced they would be dissolving the Division. The ability to remake timelords... there was a golden glow flourishing in the special formula goo. Perfect! The energy was just what they needed. The tank was shaking the floor with the force of the vibrations, and Tecteun continued to watch with blank eyes as the person she'd kept for thousands of years as a child was ripped apart in front of her.

The needles and tools worked perfectly. Muscle and skin separated from bone, remaking, the regeneration energy being retooled. Parts were removed, discarded. The screams stopped as the vocal cords were severed, but the thrashing only stopped when the muscles faded. The glow became blinding, the smell of smoke overwhelming - there was a crackle, and then a loud bang. Power faded. The smoke drifted away as the air filters and generators kicked in, the two time lords standing now, watching pointedly... waiting.

The glow had stopped.  
"You. Go check." she gestured at an assistant. They padded over, cautious, and pressed a button on the side of the machine. The goo began to drain away, and as it did so, something small and pink became clear. A moment later, a loud cry reached them.   
"Fetch the new family." Tecteun told the spare assistant. "Their son is ready."

The screaming newborn lay on the bottom of the modified chamber, covered in smears of goo and blood, as the tank opened. Nobody held him; nobody comforted him. Twenty minutes later he was wrapped in a towel and handed to a smiling woman.   
"His name is Theta Sigma." a cold man in a tall, royal colour explained. "You will raise him as your own. He was loomed from your DNA." Tecteun nodded, and took a step back. "You will not contact us again."

And he turned, the sounds of the baby's cries echoing down the corridor long after he was taken away. 


End file.
